Loving A Hidden God
FEAR OF THE LORD: TIMES OF DARKNESS
First of all, what is needed above all else is to be converted by the fear of God to
wishing to know his will, what he bids us seek and shun. Now this fear of necessity shakes
us with thoughts of our mortality and of our death to come, and so to say nails our flesh
and fixes all the stirring of pride to the wood of the cross.
On Christian Doctrine, 2.9.
Augustine believed that the first step towards wisdom and the vision of God was "fear of the Lord". In this he was influenced by the words of scripture:
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom and prudent are all who live by it".
Psalm 111, 10
He identifies those receiving this gift with "the poor in spirit" who were promised heaven by Jesus in the beatitudes.
Matt. 5.3
Commentary on the Sermon on the Mount,1.1.3
When he discussed this first gift of the Holy Ghost, Augustine limited its
application to Christians who indeed believed in God but who believed in a wrong way.
These were those people who, if they tried to live a good life, did so because they feared
to be punished if they did not. Their lives were dark because there was no God in their
lives whom they truly loved. Their fear was the servile fear of being punished rather than
the loving fear of displeasing a loved one.
There is, however, an interpretation that has a wider application, a meaning that is
applicable to believer and non-believer alike. In this meaning the "poor in
spirit" are not simply those who have a mistaken notion of God; they are also those
who suddenly realize that there is an emptiness in their lives. Looking at themselves,
they have an awareness of absence. The experience can be truly terrifying but it also can
be the first step towards discovery of the still hidden God.
Indeed, the journey towards union with God, like the journey of life itself, must begin in
darkness. The wombed infant, if it is lucky, is propelled by natural forces from its
comforting dark nest into the blazing light of the outside world. Its movement is not a
matter of choice. It is not aware of its dark confinement and thus does not voluntarily
seek something more. Similarly, once it is thrust into the light of the world outside, it
cannot imagine the radiant brilliance that is beyond the surface of its simple life of
food and drink and sleep. The infant has yet to think, and thus it cannot dream of the
ecstasy of loving and being loved. It has yet to experience the satisfaction of
comprehending the great truths hidden in reality. It does not yet feel the pride of
accomplishment, the joy in the possibility of aiming life at a perfection where all
desires will be fulfilled.
As we develop through the various stages of life, childhood, adolescence, maturity,
senescence, death, there is a gradual enlightenment but this is usually preceded by new
darkness as the next stage in life is anticipated. Indeed, darkness need not wait on the
coming of a new age in our lives. It can saturate our lives whenever our usual mode of
living is suddenly disrupted by an unexpected event, a condition of life as yet unknown
because never before experienced. For example:
... when we are thrust from the comfort of school into the turmoil of the world of work;
... when a cherished job is lost;
... when retirement is imposed;
... when sickness comes;
... when death is threatened.
Whenever such sudden changes in life occur, the pleasures of the past seem no longer
satisfying. The comfortable, orderly life we had created for ourselves suddenly disappears
leaving nothing behind but a vacuum. The accustomed answers by which we ruled our lives
seem no longer to apply. We are faced with a new country and the old maps are of little
use.
Some of the darkness that comes into our lives is beyond our control. We cannot always
avoid being sick. We cannot avoid growing up or growing old or someday dying. But some of
the dark periods are self-caused:
... by exuberant expectations that have little to do with the reality of our lives;
... by clinging to a past that can never come again;
... by hateful acts that drive our loves away;
... by a depraved or wasted life that leaves behind undying remorse for what might have been.
However the darkness comes upon us, we feel like a child moving from a familiar
lighted room into a room where no light has begun to shine. It can be petrifying. On the
brink of a new stage of life, we don't know where we are going. Indeed, we do not even
know where we are. We are in a new situation and the lucidity of the past suddenly becomes
muddled. We are immersed in a darkness of absence where all gods, all prophets, all wisdom
seem to have disappeared.
This darkness of absence is a terrible event in anyone's life but it is not as hazardous
to our spiritual health as the darkness of presence, the darkness that comes from a life
lived by false light. Such a condition is like living a life of fantasy in the comforting
half-light of a movie theater. Addicted to the show, we do not even realize that we are
missing anything. Indeed, if a friend tries to lead us outside into the blazing light of
reality, we scream in agony, cover our eyes, and rush back into the comforting darkness
inside. Rejoicing in the dim light bathing our dull life, we wish for nothing further.
Like a man born blind, we are in darkness and do not realize it. We seek for nothing more.
We are like blind moles snuffling through a world of underground passages. We are happy
with the modest expectations of our murky life and seek nothing further.
At such dim moments of life there can occur a therapeutic feeling of emptiness. It is
therapeutic because it is the precondition for any movement towards a new state of life.
The process of searching for satisfaction must begin with dissatisfaction. If I never
sensed my emptiness, I would never feel the need to be "filled up". If I were
never dissatisfied with what I have and what I am, I would not reach for something more.
This dissatisfaction with my condition may be sharpened by a sudden awareness of my
contingency, that I am living a life of no great moment and on borrowed time. The pride
which I had taken in earthly accomplishments suddenly seems foolish and I begin to look
elsewhere for fulfillment. There is a sudden and unexpected development of humility when I
recognize that I indeed am not in charge of the universe, that I do not have the all the
answers to life and death. I begin to turn away from what was to what might be.
This barren feeling can take various forms. For the fervent believer it may take the form
of a "dark night of the soul", a sudden disbelief in any God who truly cares
about their life. In the darkness of their newly experienced disbelief, they become
convinced that their life is literally going no where because there is no final where to
go, no place, no condition that will bring that perfect happiness which they so
desperately desire. They become convinced that life does not have a goal, only an extent.
They live out their days and then they die and that's the end of it and (worst of all)
that's the end of them.
For the unbeliever the turning away from the emptiness of their present life may be a
turning towards a great unknown. They humbly accept the fact that they are not in control
of their happiness, that the full life they had tried to make for themselves is empty,
that they need something more. As was the case with the troubled believer, there is fear
but it is not the fear of some vengeful God. The confused believer feared that their life
would be punished after death; the searching unbeliever fears that they will finally die
forever after a life dimly lived.
Augustine believed that for both the confused believer and the despairing non-believer,
such fear can be the first step in their search for the true but as yet unknown God.
Though they may live in darkness there is at least some movement in their lives. No longer
satisfied with what is, they are moved to reach out for something more, for something that
might be, to look for some step up from their darkness. Such fear, as depressing and
despondent as it might be, is indeed the beginning of wisdom because the first movement
towards wisdom must be the acceptance of the fact that one is not wise, that one does not
have all the answers, that indeed one is not God, not the end all and be all of creation.
Augustine was convinced that God is active in our moments of darkness. It is divine grace
that is pushing us beyond our accustomed way of living, not as yet by presenting a more
attractive alternative, but simply by revealing how vain is the alternative that one has
chosen. It is a true movement because like a drowning man in a filthy stream, we are moved
towards any hidden shore that promises relief from the stagnation and pollution our
present condition. Finally aware of the emptiness of our present life, we are ready to sit
quietly and wait for direction. Convinced of our inability to find the answers to our
changing lives ourselves, we wait for guidance from powers beyond us. In our darkness we
are ready to climb the next step towards wisdom, the stage of piety, where we patiently
listen for instructions on what to do next.